LIVING WITH ANXIETY IN MY LIFE.

LIVING WITH ANXIETY IN MY LIFE.

Anxiety.. It’s both a word that, for some, will send chills down their spines and for others it won’t have an effect, at all..

That’s how much Australia is actually divided when it comes to Mental Health Disorders. At the moment, a huge 45% of Australians will be affected by a Mental Health Disorder in their life, and the numbers are rising. In my opinion, it’s actually terrifying that we, as a nation, and even as a world, are starting to suffer such deep pain and agonising emotional pain that can be helped if only we open up about our issues..

On that note, I wanted to open up further about my own experience with anxiety and living with anxiety in my life..

Let’s go back a few steps..

I’d never suffered from anxiety. In fact, I’d always been that person who could empathise but not sympathise, because I’d never dealt or encountered anxiety before. I’d been diagnosed with depression since I was young, so something in me could understand the pain those people must be facing, but still, I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

.. which is a very common feeling for people who haven’t dealt with or experience mental health disorders themselves. I don’t say this with spite or negativity in my voice; I just think it’s incredibly hard to understand something fully, unless you’ve gone through it personally and it’s affected your way of life and health.

The first time I found myself having an anxiety and panic attack was when I was diagnosed with Lymphoma. It only came on a few weeks later, suddenly, out of the blue, a night I was home cooking. It was an overwhelming and all-consuming feeling of sadness, feeling scared and feeling absolutely terrified. I fell to the ground and was sulking and sobbing for minutes. My throat was closing up, and I couldn’t breathe. I put my head between my knees and tried continuously to catch my breath, whilst I realised that this must be what they call a ‘panic-attack’.

After a few minutes, it subsided. I was shaking, my eyes were blood-red and I was wet from sweating and crying so much. And I was utterly exhausted. I took myself to bed, curled up into a ball, and prayed that I’d feel better the next day.

This was the first anxiety-episode of many in my coming years of life..

The above episode was 6 years ago.. And anxiety has been an unwelcome resident in my life ever since. That said; I’ve learnt to manage my anxiety a whole lot more, and it’s been over a year since I’ve had a full-blown panic attack where I felt like I was dying.

However, I was ridden with anxiety just a few days ago, and that’s what spurred me to write about this subject, because I know how many people suffer from this, but it still seems as if it’s not taken ‘that seriously’ because it’s ‘not killing you’. Well, in some ways it is worse; it’s robbing you from living the life you want and treasure for yourself, it’s putting a stop to developing meaningful and deep connections with a partner of friends, it’s holding you back from being social and outgoing, and I could continue to list all of the things that anxiety does to people.

On Tuesday, I woke up feeling uneasy. For quite a few nights I’d been sleeping less than average, and I was feeling the effects on my body tremendously. However, I still got myself out of bed and over to boxing. Until I hit the studio, Carragh looked at me, and I was about to burst into absolute tears. I grabbed my stuff, and literally ran home. Told Pash, my boyfriend, a lie about ‘boxing was cancelled’ and I went into bed.

My thoughts became bigger, and bigger. And with each thought another one entered. Bigger than the previous one. More anxious and terrifying than the one that had just been. It was spiralling and I could feel it. Pash came in and sat with me, and I started sobbing. Absolutely sobbing. I could feel that the anxiety had taken over my body and my head and I felt powerless against its force.

Pash continued to hold me. Telling me that it was ‘okay to feel this way’, and that ‘we all have those days’. His words meant a lot. it made me fell less alone. It made me feel understood. And it eliminated some thoughts I had about ‘being good enough’. He tucked me into bed, and got me a heatpack and a cup of tea. He told me to ‘be gentle’ with myself and relax.

I slept for a little bit. Rested my eyes. I decided to put it out on Social Media that I had a day of anxiety, because I want to be real.
I want to know that I’m a normal person, I go through the same things as you, and my world is far from rosey all the time. I face the same issues as you. And I believe that, when we open up about these things, it makes us stronger. We’re facing our problems head on, instead of hiding away from them. Spiritual, as well as personal growth, comes from facing our problems, not tucking them away & running from them.

Because of that, a few of my dear girlfriends called & texted me. It made me feel loved. Like I mattered in the world – the opposite of what my anxiety was telling me. It eliminated some anxiety. It made me breathe. 

Then, I downloaded a friend of mine’s new podcast called; Offline, The Podcast by Alison Rice. I listened to the very 1st episode with Jeannie Bourke – owner of Venustus Australia. And it was like that podcast was made for me – for that exact moment and feeling I was going through. In short, Jeannie & Alison talks about who we truly are, how sensitivity is actually being strong and how life is both painful & wonderful, but all emotions must be faced. You can listen to it here. 

It eliminated some more anxiety. And at this point, it was about 1.30pm in the afternoon. I actually managed to get myself to the shops and do some groceries. For some reason, diving into greens, fruits & veggies and focusing my creativity around cooking, really calms me. It helped a lot.

The rest of the day was spent with meditation, old tv-shows on Stan, and cuddling up in Pash’s arms at night. And you know what? By night-time, I was giggling and I was 80% less anxious. I’d managed to push the big beast aside, and start feeling with my heart again. I was feeling better. And I knew, tomorrow would be a grand new day, that I’d face, once again, to take further steps in battling my anxiety.

I’m sure my story isn’t very different to yours, if you’re reading this. If you suffer, then you most certainly will understand, I have no doubt. If you don’t, then I hope you can find it in your heart to be a little bit kinder to those who are fragile and struggle from time to time.

I want you guys to be able to take something away from my stories, so below I’ll list a few  bullet-point of things that’s really helping me when I suffer:

• Drink Chamomile tea.
• Heat Packs or Warm Water Bottle over your eyes, or on your chest.
• Get outside in nature if you can. You don’t to walk around, even sitting will help.
• Eat nutrient-dense food that will help you stay calm and focused.
• If you’re into herbs, try to get a hold of adaptogens that can help your hormones.
• Stay in bed if that’s what you feel like. Keep your room aired with fresh air.
• Call or text friends you’re close with. Tell them how you’re feeling. Be honest. Reach out for help.
• Read your favourite book.
• Watch movies all day.
• Cook some yummy food. Cooking can be meditating in itself. If it stressed you out, don’t do it.
• Find time to sit down for meditation, mindfulness or breath-work. Working on calming your nervous-system is important.
• SLEEP. Fatigue can really trigger your anxiety majorly.
• Take Magnesium
• CBD-Oil – it’s basically HEMP oil (don’t worry, it won’t get you high!) and can really help your anxiety. I use it weekly.
• Use oils like lemon balm or lavender to help calm you down.

I hope you found this blog-post helpful. I want you to know that you are not alone. EVER!
It is not weak to speak about your struggles, in fact, it makes you so much stronger.
There is absolutely nothing shameful about dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, depression or any other mental health disorder for that matter.
I hope you can read this and remember to be kind to yourself, because we should all be more so.

Lots of love, always. Caroline xx